PSYC465 - Describe a recent conflict or negative situation

PSYC 465 MARRIAGE

Read Chapters 5, 6, and Appendix A from The DNA of Relationships for Couples.

Answer the two questions (Smalley and Paul, 2006, Appendix A) posed in Appendix A (the questions are taken directly from the text):

1. Describe a recent conflict or negative situation with your spouse or someone else you are in a relationship with – something that really “pushed your buttons”. Choose the same person you are using for the “Caring Day” activity.
2. What were the buttons that got pushed during the conflict? Another way to look at it is, How did what happened during the conflict make you feel about yourself? What did the conflict say about you? What was the message it sent to you? 

Look through the following options and use them to fill in the blanks in the statement:  “As a result of this conflict, I felt ________ or feared feeling _________, or I thought _________ would happen”.

• Complete the Fear Dance worksheet (ATTACHED BELOW).  
• On page 1, mark an “X” for your responses and mark an “O” for how you believe the other person in your conflict/relationship would respond. 

On page 2, input the top three for:  

• What did you feel (these are your “buttons”)? 

1. What did you want? 

What do I do (reaction)? 

• Then input the same information for what you chose for the other identified person in the conflict.
• After completing the Fear Dance diagram, respond to the following questions. Each response should be one paragraph (5+ sentences) in length. 

Explain how the Fear Dance diagram helps to understand your own core fears/buttons?

• We can learn to end the Fear Dance by managing our own personal fears/buttons.  We can tap into our self-responsibility and learn to use our thinking and actions to interrupt the dance. Describe what you can do to interrupt the Fear Dance in your relationship.  How can you protect your “buttons” and identify when your fear “buttons” have been pushed?
• What will be the benefits to you and your relationship when you start managing your own personal fears/buttons better.
• Submit the Fear Dance worksheet and your written paper before the deadline.

EAR DANCE WORKSHEET

 Using your identified conflict from Week 1, imagine yourself back in that conflict and complete the following chart. First respond for yourself, second give your best guesses for your identified relationship. You will use this information for page 2. Mark “X” for you, and “O” for your identified relationship. Mark with “X or O” What did you feel? check all that apply Mark with “X or O” How did you react? check all that apply Mark with “X or O” What did you want? check all that apply abandoned deny responsibilty acceptance betrayed blame someone else or circumstances approval deceived belittle (call names, mock, ridicule) appreciated defective catastrophized (exaggerate, dramatize) important disrespected control peace like a failure criticized respected helpless cross-complain (bring up another issue) safe (emotional or otherwise) ignored defensiveness trusted inadequate demand understood invalidated dishonest useful judged escalate (get louder and louder) validated misunderstood fact find (usually to prove your point) connected rejected fix-it mode noticed taken advantage of humor/sarcasm competent unimportant invalidate or minimize good enough unwanted isolate yourself (or shut down) controlled disconnected humiliated not good enough indicate the top three lecture mind read (assume intent) pacify (try to calm the other) passive aggressive rationalize repeat yourself rewrite history (view past negative) replay argument in mind argue about who is right/wrong self-depreciate Stonewall withold (affection, sex) indicate the top three adequate loved supported intimate indicate the top three

 FEAR DANCE WORKSHEET

Top 3 you indicated for “What you feel” What are my buttons

Top 3 you indicated from “What you did want?” What do I want?

1.) 1.) 2.) 2.) 3.) 3.)

Top 3 you indicated from your identified relationship for “How did she/he react? What does she/he do...

Top 3 indicated from “How did I react?” What do I do... 1.) 1.) 2.) 2.) 3.) 3.)

 Top 3 you indicated from your identified relationship for “What did she/he want?” What does she/he want...

Top 3 you indicated from your identified relationship for “What did she/he feel?” What are his/her buttons... 1.) 1.) 2.) 2.) 3.) 3.)